scratchstats.fun We count. You reconsider.

Press Kit

Everything you need to write about us. We've made it easy because we know you have deadlines.

1. Approved Quotes From the Team
We didn't set out to make people uncomfortable. We set out to make them aware. The discomfort is a side effect of awareness.
— Founder, ScratchStats.fun
The hardest part wasn't the math. The hardest part was explaining to our families what we do.
— Head of Research, ScratchStats.fun
Every serious data platform needs a methodology page. Ours just happens to be about scratching.
— Lead Engineer, ScratchStats.fun
We considered pivoting to tracking nose-picking. The TAM was larger but the stigma was worse.
— Chief Strategy Officer, ScratchStats.fun
Our site has zero revenue and zero users who admit to visiting. By every metric, we are a failure. But the counter keeps ticking.
— Head of Growth, ScratchStats.fun
2. Key Facts
~400K
Men scratching right now
2.645B
Males 10+ modeled
7
Languages supported
0
Cookies used
$12
Annual operating cost
0
Balls monitored

Yes, the entire budget is $12. You can change that.

3. Suggested Headlines (You're Welcome)
Serious: "A New Website Tracks an Unlikely Global Statistic — With Real UN Data" Clickbait: "This Website Calculates How Many Men Are Scratching Their Balls Right Now" Tech: "An Open-Source D3.js Dashboard for the World's Least Important Statistic" Business: "This $12 Website Has Better Methodology Than Most Startups" Academic: "Population-Weighted Sinusoidal Models Applied to Behavioral Estimation" Reddit: "I built a website that tracks ball scratching in real time AMA" HR-safe: "A Humorous Data Visualization Project Goes Viral" Honest: "Several Adults Spent Weeks Building This and They're Not Sorry"
4. Company Milestones
  • 2026 Q1Founded. Initial model calibrated against UN WPP 2024 data. Team has a moment of existential doubt. Proceeds anyway.
  • 2026 Q1v1.0 launched. 7 languages. D3.js world map. The internet does not notice.
  • 2026 Q1Methodology page published. 2,400 words explaining how we calculate something nobody asked us to calculate.
  • 2026 Q1FAQ added. Includes the phrase "pruritus-responsive manual intervention in the scrotal dermatome." We consider this our finest work.
  • TBDFirst media mention. Anticipated. Unconfirmed. We're optimistic.
  • TBD1,000 unique visitors. Statistically, at least 3 of them were scratching at the time.
  • TBDAcademic citation. Our true north star. We will frame it.
  • TBDv2.0 planning begins. Scope: unknown. Budget: still $12.
5. Boilerplate (Copy-Paste Ready)

SHORT — 1 sentence, for photo captions and social media:

ScratchStats.fun is a real-time statistical dashboard estimating how many men are scratching their balls at any given moment, using UN population data and a sinusoidal sleep model.

MEDIUM — 1 paragraph, for article mentions:

ScratchStats.fun is a free, open-source, multilingual website that calculates, in real time, how many men on Earth are currently engaged in scrotal scratching. The model combines UN World Population Prospects 2024 demographic data, regional time zone distribution, a sinusoidal awake-rate function, and a conservatively estimated frequency of 3 sessions per day at 5 seconds each. The result: a number between approximately 220,000 and 560,000 that fluctuates with the planet's circadian rhythm. The site supports 7 languages, uses zero analytics, and cost $12 to launch. No actual balls were monitored in its making.

LONG — Full background, for features and profiles:

ScratchStats.fun launched in 2026 as a data-driven humor project disguised as a serious statistical platform. The website answers a question nobody asked — "How many men are scratching their balls right now?" — with a level of mathematical rigor typically reserved for economic forecasting or epidemiological modeling. The core model divides the world into 10 population regions, applies a sinusoidal approximation of global sleep patterns, and multiplies by a behavioral constant derived from estimated scratching frequency (3 times per day) and duration (5 seconds per session). Data sources include the UN World Population Prospects 2024 Revision, ILO employment statistics, and WHO health data. The model is fully transparent, the code is open-source, and the methodology is documented in exhaustive detail on the site. Beyond the headline counter, the site features a D3.js choropleth world map, per-country breakdowns, a historical comparison of 1914 vs. today, 7 categorized reasons for scratching, a 200,000-year timeline of the practice, a deadpan FAQ, and a Public Service Disclaimer encouraging visitors to redirect their energy toward something productive. The site uses zero analytics, zero cookies (beyond a language preference in localStorage), and costs $12/year to operate. The team's slogan: "We count. You reconsider."
6. Brand Assets

Logo, colors, and typography for editorial use.

[ ] scratch stats .fun
Primary — Dark background
[ ] scratch stats .fun
Primary — Light background

Brand colors:

#0a0a0a
Background
#f5a623
Amber accent
#e8e8e8
Primary text
#888888
Body text
#1a1a1a
Borders

Typography:

Headlines: DM Serif Display — elegant, ironic contrast Body / Data: JetBrains Mono — monospaced, technical authority The juxtaposition of a luxury serif with a programmer's monospace is deliberate. It says: "We take absurdity seriously."

7. Media Contact
PR
Press Relations Department
Director of External Communications & Narrative Control
Email: press@scratchstats.fun Response time: 24–48 hours (we have day jobs) Available for: interviews, podcasts, panels on "data humor," keynote speeches (we've never been asked but we're ready), and written Q&A Not available for: live demonstrations

The Press Relations Department consists of the same people who built the website, wrote the FAQ, and occasionally still contribute to the counter.

8. Embargo & Usage
Embargo: None. There is no embargo. We have no leverage. Write about us whenever you want. Please write about us. Logo usage: SVG files downloadable above. Use on dark (#0a0a0a) or light (#f5f5f5) backgrounds only. Do not stretch, recolor, or place the logo on a busy background. The seismograph traces are sacred. Screenshots: You may screenshot anything on the site. We specifically recommend the main counter page and the world map, as they look the most impressive and the most absurd respectively. Attribution: Please link to https://scratchstats.fun. It's the least you can do. Literally. There's almost nothing less you could do. Corrections: If you find an error in our data, we want to hear about it. If you find an error in our humor, that's a subjective assessment and we respectfully disagree.
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